Published in March 20th, 2006
- You’ve lost the feeling below your ankles.
- When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.
- When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
- The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.
- Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
- People ask you questions like, “Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?”
- The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
- It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.
- When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.
- Your name is Al Roker.
