A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, “I’ll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The dog replies, “Hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.”
The bartender says, “Oh, no, not another ventriloquist [...]

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?” says [...]

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One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?”
“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.
“Did [...]

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If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you’re [...]

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TWO GUYS ARE DRIVING DOWN A MISSISSIPPI ROAD AND ARE PULLED OVER BY A POLICE OFFICER. THE OFFICER WALKS UP TO THE VEHICLE AND INSTRUCTS THE DRIVER TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. WHEN THE DRIVER ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW HE GETS A RAP ON THE HEAD WITH THE OFFICER’S STICK. THE DRIVER SAYS: “WHAT’S THAT [...]

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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her [...]

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Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.
The Tennessee student says, “I am a farmer, my dad [...]

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A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.
Turn signals are just clues as to your next move [...]

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“Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times,” the judge said.
“Yes, Your Honor,” the suspect replied.
“What did you steal?” the judge asked.
“I stole a dress, Your Honor,” replied the suspect.
“One dress?” the judge bellowed. “But you have admitted to breaking in four times!”
“Yes, Your Honor,” sighed the suspect, “but [...]

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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
“Strike One!” he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and [...]

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