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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”"That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”"Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!”Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?”And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

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A professor starts giving a lecture on medicine by saying: Here is an ovum, infected with siphylis.Students: Professor, it’s a pie! He searches his bag, takes out another sample and says again: Ok, here is the ovum, infected with siphylis.Students: Professor, it is another pie!Professor: Good gracious, what have I eaten for lunch???

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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”"You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. “I’d like to try the bet,” he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what? “I work for the IRS.”

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What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches? An elephant wearing a tight tuxedo!

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A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?” The father thought for a moment. “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

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Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you’d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. “Hey ,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!” And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: “In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”

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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

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A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ??why did you have to bring the pig in with you?” Then the lady answered, ”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.” And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

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I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, ”Ribbit. Nine iron.” That’s curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, ”Ribbit. Three wood.” I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ”Ribbit. Vegas.” So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ”Ribbit. Roulette.” So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should wager. ”Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.” It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ”Ribbit. Kiss me.” I figured, what the hell, it’s just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned into a 15-year old girl. That’s how she ended up in my room, and if I’m lying, my name’s not William Jefferson Clinton.